All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
We left the knife in your bed.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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