my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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