dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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