But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
