No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
