The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
