I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
There is no way he is gay with that hair.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
