He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
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Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
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I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
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