I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
