i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
