just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize