why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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