Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize
