Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
