Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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