I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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