I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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