Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
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