I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
thus making me awesome and them whores
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
