from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
