Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
