I can text with my tongue
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
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Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
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There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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