is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
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