Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I just gargled with NyQuil
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
