i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
