I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
