now i know why i became what i already was.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
