smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
