So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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