You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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