How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
So many bounce houses so little time
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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