just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
