Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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