So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
