When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Randomize
