By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
