yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
