Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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