I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
