My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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