If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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