wanna go halves on a baby?
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
