Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
