Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
