tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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