A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
