At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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