dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I look better un-naked...
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
