I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
