im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
