I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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