Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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