I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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