I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
You ruined the universe
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Randomize
