toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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